The one where I don’t hold back..

I have been struggling a lot the past couple of days and I just need to get it off my chest and out into the universe. I don’t know who will read this or if it will effect my service at all, but I must try to do something to alleviate some stress. So, here goes:

I am unhappy.

I had a great time over Bpit Term (school break) with my Boyfriend here, so much so that coming back to the reality of all the struggles I face with teaching in Thailand has depressed me.

Today I had a meeting with my Counterparts. One of them seemed uninterested in what I had to say, the other would give me her nervous giggle whenever I would tell her about the changes I wanted to make, then she would proceed to tell me that sometimes she wants to change things too, but she can’t.

Yesterday they caught me crying on the phone. My PawAw (School director) called me into a meeting with my Counterpart. He told me he cared about me and asked me if I would be able to stay the next 1.5 years. It was nice to see that he cared. I told him I could stay, but honestly I’m about 70/30 on going back home.

At the end of the meeting he told me that he and the student’s parents wanted to see more improvements in their speaking besides just saying “Hello.” I think the translation came off weird but it was hard not to take it the wrong way. How am I supposed to improve the speaking when classes are cancelled on me left and right?

Sometimes I just feel like a trophy, sitting at my desk; something for the school to show off when they have the higher ups come and visit.

Part of my role as a PCV is to train my Counterparts to be able to teach and do activities that are student-centered on their own. I know it is only the second semester, but after trying to explain this to my CP and seeing her less than enthused face, I am feeling very demotivated.

I’m worried that I will leave after my time here and they will be relieved to go back to how things are and all of my hard work will have been for nothing.

So basically, there’s a lot going on in my mind. It has been a struggle for quite some time. Right now getting the motivation to get out of bed and come to school is a huge task for me. I hope that it passes soon.

I was given some great advice to give it everything I’ve got this semester and if at the end of it I feel like things will not get better, then I did what I could and should not feel bad for coming home. So I will try my best. I will push through the stress and the struggles. I will force myself out of bed and onto my bike. At least until March. Then we will see how it goes.

Right now my heart isn’t in it. And I don’t want to live my life for anyone else. So if going back home will make me happy, I’m going to do that. But not after one more solid try.

I have a lot of fun pictures and stuff to share, I’ll get to that eventually. For now I’m just feeling a little blue. Bear with me ❤

2 thoughts on “The one where I don’t hold back..

  1. I think that you are so strong and have a heart of gold just for going there and dedicating your time. Just keep the students in mind because you’re making a big difference in their lives. Teaching is hard work. It will get better. I think the previous advice you received was worded perfectly. Continue through the semester and see how things go and if you’re not seeing change then I’d go back home. Your director should support you. Shame on that person. Don’t get down on yourself if you choose not to stay for the remaining 1.5. You’re making change in their lives no matter how long you’re there. Keep your head up. I look forward to seeing future posts. 💕

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  2. You’ve accomplished so much already, every morning you wake up and you freaking bike to school and then work against the forces that are the Thai educational system. In the past 10 months you’ve learned Thai, lived with 2 host families, and integrated into a tiny little community. But at the end of the day – you need to do what’s best for you. Love you and sending you all the positive vibes!

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