It is the day before I leave for Bangkok. I am sitting at my desk, nervously bouncing my knee. Counting down the hours until I get to leave school, go home and start packing for my long bpit term (school break).
Sometimes I feel guilty. The things that keep me going in Thailand are the times I get to leave site and meet up with my other fellow volunteers.. the times I get to sleep in A/C and use hot showers. Eat cheese, pizza, burgers instead of Thai food. Shop at a grocery store and bring home bacon and a block of cheddar for the week. Spend my day in a fancy coffee shop drinking cappuccinos and eating some kind of pastry.
I have started looking at my time here in terms of experiences when I’m not at school. Why is that? Perhaps it’s because the times I actually teach are so few and far between. Because of that I don’t feel like I’m making much progress with my students or with my Counterparts. So rather than dwell on what little I feel like I’m doing at site, I start to concentrate on the times I get to escape and do something for myself.
It makes me wonder if I’m weak. Or way too privileged. None of my students or people in my community get to leave site as much as I do. They don’t take trips to the beach or go to Bangkok every couple of months. I act as though I need the getaway, but this is their every day lives. And they seem happy and healthy, for the most part.
So what is it that makes me feel like I need to get away? I suppose if it was the opposite, a Thai person in America, they would perhaps feel the same way. Confused and out of their comfort zone. It’s all relative, I imagine.
Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe it’s okay for me to escape. Good for mental health. A nice break from reality. It’s a weird thought, because to escape my current reality I go back to the comforts that were my reality back in the States.
All that being said, I’m going to try and take this school break as a much needed re-energizer. Clear my thoughts of any stresses that I can and just soak it all in. Not to mention the love of my life will be here in 8 days. Expect lots of photos and fun adventures in the upcoming blogs, less of me venting about life 😉